Episodes from the Captain's Quarters
by CMPerry
Summary: Set throughout seasons 2 and 3, Captain Janeway is troubled by events on board the Voyager as the realities and challenges of a seventy year mission begin to sink in. Commander Chakotay does what he can to alleviate his Captain's worries, but their nightly meetings in her quarters begin to stir up feelings the Captain did not expect.
1. Elogium

Season 2, Episode 4: Elogium

* * *

 _Captain's Log: Today proved to have something of a theme. First we were pulled into a swarm of space-dwelling lifeforms that mistook the_ Voyager _for a potential mate. The ship was damaged, but thanks to Commander Chakotay's surprising array of knowledge on mating rituals, we escaped unharmed. Meanwhile, Kes appeared to go through a physical change unique to the Ocampa called the Elogium, which happens only once in her lifetime as she prepares to conceive a child. She did not conceive but we are hopeful that this Elogium was false, brought on by external factors. I am confident she will make a wonderful mother one day. On that note, Ensign Wildman is pregnant, which will bring with it a new set of challenges. All in all, today seemed to centre very much around the idea of procreation, and has left me with a lot on my mind about the future of this mission and the crew._

* * *

"It's been one hell of a day," said the Captain, turning to greet her Commander as he stood in her doorway.

"It certainly has," Chakotay said. "I just wanted to drop by before I head to my quarters." She always appreciated these little visits, often at the end of a long or taxing day. Sometimes they would discuss the day's events, other times they would just sit in silence and enjoy the peace of the other's company.

"Please, come in," she said, gesturing towards the sofa. They sat down side by side, both of them finally able to relax for the first time since donning their Star Fleet uniforms that morning. Kathryn allowed her head to tip backwards slightly, leaning against the back of the blue sofa.

"Are you alright, Captain?"

"I'm just thinking about Kes," she admitted, raising her head to look at Chakotay. "I felt dreadful for her today. She was so frightened, everything was new and terrifying for her, and she was expected to decide in a matter of hours if she was ever going to have a child. She's still a child herself, and she was suddenly faced with the possibility that she would never get to hold her own son or daughter in her arms. It's just..."

"Captain," Chakotay said, reaching out to her and laying his hand on her arm, "you will have your chance."

"I wasn't talking about me," she said.

"But that's why Kes's situation has disturbed you so much."

"I was simply concerned for a member of my crew," she insisted, but this last comment was met with a dubious raise of the eyebrow.

"Alright fine," she conceded, shaking her head and wishing Chakotay didn't know her quite so well. "I'll admit it has crossed my mind that I might… miss my chance to have a child now that we're stuck out here. We could make it back home tomorrow, or it might take us the whole seven decades, we just don't know, and…"

"You don't like the unknown."

"That's simply not true," she said, suddenly defensive. "The unknown is what drove me to science, what takes me to every undiscovered planet and moon in this quadrant that requires our attention. The unknown doesn't frighten me, Commander."

"Forgive me, Captain, but I wasn't referring to your career. I've never met anyone so bold, or so fearless in her explorations of space. I'm talking about your personal life."

"I…" She immediately tried to argue, looking for a way to shoot down the suggestion that she was afraid of anything, but she knew he was right, and she knew that he wasn't someone she had to hide from. "Fine," she said again.

"Would it help if I could assuage some of your concerns?" he asked, with a flicker of something that looked a lot like mischief in his eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, like you, I hope to have a family one day, and if that means it has to be aboard this ship then so be it."

"I'm not following."

"We should set a time limit," he said. "A guarantee if you will. If we have no hopes of getting home by, say, 2376, then we start a family of our own." He said it with such confidence and simplicity that she might have believed she was talking to Tuvok for a moment.

"Us?"

"If this mission lasts more than another thirty or forty years, we're going to need another generation to run the ship," he said.

"That's true," she said. It certainly wasn't the first time that thought had occurred to her today.

"And we're two high-ranking officers," he continued with a grin. "Both human, good friends, and we already know we can care for a crew together."

"A crew and a child are two very different things," said the Captain, but she couldn't help returning the smile.

"I think you'd be surprised." The Captain met his dark brown eyes for a long moment, waiting to see any flash of doubt, but she had never seen the man look more sincere in his life.

"Okay," she said. "Five years from now we will… reconvene." She rose to her feet and began pacing leisurely. "Computer." The computer gave a short buzz in response. "Set a reminder, five years from now to meet with Commander Chakotay to discuss…"

"Operation Crew Expansion," he suggested. Kathryn laughed.

"Operation Crew Expansion," she agreed. The computer buzzed again in acknowledgment. "Chakotay..." she said, feeling suddenly a little awkward. "Thank you."

"What are friends for?" he replied with a crooked grin.

"Not this," she smiled. "Now, can I offer you a drink?"

"Tea, please," he said. A moment later she handed Chakotay the steaming cup and sat down beside him. The Commander glanced over to her drink as he stifled a yawn.

"Coffee at this late hour?" he asked. "Won't you be awake all night?"

"Not at all," she said, taking a sip. "I feel it has almost stopped having any effect on me whatsoever."

Chakotay smiled and stood up, approaching the window in the Captain's quarters and looking out at the view.

"It's funny you should say that. I was thinking the very same thing this morning."

"You don't drink coffee," the Captain said, joining him at the window and looking at him in curiosity.

"Not about coffee," he said, "about this." He nodded out into the vast blackness of the Delta Quadrant, the bright stars and planets streaking by, painting an astonishing monochrome work of art. "Sometimes I think I take it all for granted. It almost doesn't affect me anymore."

"I feel the same way from time to time," she said. "It's so easy to get caught up in the mundane: Star Fleet protocol, the day-to-day running of the ship, what Neelix might be subjecting us to at dinner…" Chakotay gave a short laugh. "But," continued the Captain, feeling a kind of peace settle over her. "All you have to do is stand here a while, and the beauty will all coming flooding back." A few seconds of warm silence passed before, out of the corner of her eye, Kathryn realised that Chakotay wasn't watching their miraculous flight through space. He was watching her. She also became suddenly aware that her arm was touching his, and she could feel his skin beneath the soft material.

"Commander?" she asked, looking around at him. She expected him to look away, but instead he held her gaze, his warm, dark eyes flashing with cool starlight.

"If our children turn out half as astounding as you, Kathryn Janeway, I will be a very proud man." His unexpected words made her heart jump slightly in her chest, but his kind eyes and his soft smile kept her feeling quite calm.

"I certainly hope they would inherit a great deal from you, Chakotay." She hadn't really intended it, but she found herself standing closer to her Commander, her hand on his arm. Chakotay's eyes flickered down to her lips for a moment, and she was acutely aware that she was close enough to kiss him. This was not a thought that had ever crossed her mind before, and it startled her.

"You know," the Captain said, clearing her throat slightly, "it would make sense for this… new generation of crewmen to have as much experience as possible before they take over the ship…"

"I couldn't agree more, Captain."

"Perhaps we ought to revisit this topic in four years instead of five." The corners of Chakotay's mouth twitched with the beginnings of a smile. "For the good of the ship, you understand."

"For the good of the ship," the Commander agreed, straightening himself up and turning to the door. "Thank you for the tea, Captain."

"Thank you for… easing my worries," she said.

"It's my pleasure," he said, flashing her a smile as the door slid closed again.


	2. Persistence of Vision

Season 2, Episode 8: Persistence of Vision

* * *

 _Captain's Log: Today, the_ Voyager _was almost brought to its knees by something entirely imaginary. A telepathic Botha wreaked havoc on the crew with vivid hallucinations that rendered them immobile and unable to protect the ship. I was one of the first to experience these visions, no doubt an effort by the Botha to leave the_ Voyager _without leadership. To not be able to trust one's mind is one of the greatest violations a person can experience, and it is something I truly hope never to experience again. But what the Botha failed to take into account is that the crew of the_ Voyager _is one of the finest I've ever seen, and could cope perfectly without me if they had to. In the end, it was Kes and the Doctor who put an end to this spell, and the Botha vanished. I've been instructed to rest, but I can't help wishing I was on the Bridge._

* * *

"You asked to see me, Captain," said Chakotay, stepping into her quarters.

"Yes, how did everything go today?" she asked. "Did you speak with Tuvok about weapons storage? Did Torres and Kim fix the transporters in sick bay? Did you get a chance to review the Stellar Cartography report? Oh, and what about the deflector shield?"

"Captain, everything went perfectly," he said.

"Thank you," she said, sinking down into a chair. "That's a great relief."

"I feel obliged to remind you that you are supposed to be resting," he said, gently, observing her in her Star Fleet uniform, hair still perfectly secured.

"Yes, well, it would seem that I don't know how to… switch off." Chakotay laughed. "What's so funny?" she asked.

"That may be the understatement of this entire mission."

"Are you saying I don't know how to have fun?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Not at all, Captain. You're dedication to this ship and its crew is admirable."

"But?" she prompted.

"But, this mission was only meant to last a few weeks. You work every waking hour, you often forget to eat; no captain in the world could keep up a schedule like yours without succumbing to a significant amount of stress."

"Well what do you suggest I do about that? And please don't suggest the holodeck, I've had quite enough hallucinations for one day."

"As have I," said the Commander, his eyes growing distant for a few seconds as his mind passed back over the day.

"You never did tell me, Commander," said the Captain, adjusting herself into a more comfortable position and fixing Chakotay with a look of great interest. "What was your hallucination?"

"That really depends, Captain," he said, "on whether or not you will tell me yours." She gave a long sigh. She kicked off her boots and pulled her feet up underneath her, observing Chakotay.

"In truth, I wasn't going to tell anyone, but perhaps it would be best to get it out in the open," she said, gesturing to the armchair across from her. "I'm not entirely sure it's wise to keep more things bottled up…" She trailed off, rubbing her fingers across her forehead and wondering where to begin.

"Very well," she said at last. "It started with several isolated hallucinations after I had come out of my holonovel. I heard Mark's voice, long before anyone else began having the delusions. He told me that he missed me… but then he said… what was it…" she fell silent, trying to remember his exact words. "Ah yes, ' _I don't think you've missed me. Someone else is in your thoughts now.'_ "

"Someone else?" Chakotay echoed.

"He was referring to one of the protagonists in my holonovel," she said.

"I see," he said, the tiniest of frowns fleeting across his forehead.

"Later on the Bridge I saw the hallucination of Mark again, this time on the screen. He was telling me I work too much."

"I can't argue with that," Chakotay said.

"I got into the Turbolift a moment later, and I found you standing there in your trance. I turned around and Mark was standing right in front of me, as real as he had ever looked on Earth. He told me I'd been unfaithful because I had feelings for Lord Burleigh, the man from my novel, that is. That was the moment that I knew this was all some elaborate trick. Of course, by then I was too far gone into my trance to be able to get back out."

"What do you mean a trick?" asked the Commander.

"Mark wasn't wrong when he said there was someone else in my thoughts…" Kathryn paused, unsure if she should go on, but she felt suddenly brave. "There _is_ someone else," she said quietly, leaning forward and looking up at Chakotay, "but it's certainly not Lord Burleigh."

"No?" Chakotay asked, a look of curiosity, anticipation even, burning in his eyes.

"No," she repeated. "Perhaps it was a result of our conversation the other week, but lately I… I've been having… thoughts."

"Thoughts," mused the Commander.

"I wasn't sure if I should tell you... but the Doctor encouraged me to vocalise my feelings in order to lower my stress levels. The truth is, Chakotay, I can't help but feel better when I'm with you. At first I thought it was just because I trusted you as my Commander, but now I can't help thinking that it might be... more."

"More," he repeated.

"Commander, do I have to spell it out for you?" she asked. "I'd appreciate something other than a one word answer from you."

"Aye, Captain," he said, and before she had a moment to catch her breath, the Commander was kissing her, his fingers on her neck, his lips soft but firm against hers. Swept away in the moment, her hands moved to his hair, pulling him closer to her.

"Commander…" she said at last, pulling away slightly, doubts flying around her mind, too fast to pinpoint, but enough to concern her. "Chakotay… what are we doing?"

"You asked me to tell you what I saw in my trance," he said, his fingers still brushing lightly along her jawline, his warm breath on her lips. "I think it might be easier to show you."

* * *

She couldn't be sure how much time had passed when she found herself in her bed, resting on Chakotay's bare chest, his arm around her and his fingers drawing little circles on the curves of her back.

"Still stressed?" he asked. She laughed.

"I've entirely forgotten the meaning of the word," she said with a sigh. "So… that was your hallucination." She turned over and propped herself up on one elbow to look down at her Commander's face.

"Not exactly," Chakotay said.

"No?"

"No, this was far, far better."

"This wasn't exactly what we agreed on a few weeks ago," she said.

"Well technically, we only made plans for having children. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't feel equipped to start a family at the moment, but I see no harm in… practising."

"For the good of the ship, you understand," she said. Chakotay laughed, that wonderful laugh that crinkled his eyes and lit up his handsome face. It was one sight she was sure she'd never grow tired of.

"For the good of the ship," he said.


	3. Maneuvers

Season 2, Episode 11: Maneuvres

* * *

 _Captain's Log: Today Commander Chakotay defied chain of command and set off on a solo revenge mission against his ex-lover, Seska, and the Kazons who had stolen a piece of Star Fleet technology from our ship. The Commander was captured by the Kazons, and he requested that_ Voyager _not attempt to rescue him. Of course we rescued him regardless, but his actions leave me feeling somewhat betrayed and more than a little angry._

* * *

"Are you out of your damn mind?" Kathryn asked.

"Captain?" Chakotay switched on the bedside lamp to see Kathryn standing in his bedroom, wearing a silver night dress, her hair hanging loose around her shoulders. She could have been an angel if it weren't for the fury in her voice. "It's the middle of the night."

"I know what time it is, Commander," she snapped. "What were you thinking today?"

"All due respect, Captain, but haven't we been through this already? I apologised, and I meant it."

"I almost left you on that Kazon ship, do you know that?" He sat up, running a hand through his hair. Although they had already had this conversation the moment he set foot back on _Voyager_ , there was something different this time. While she had been furious earlier, she had remained cool and guarded, but now he could see the fear in her eyes and he realised he was no longer speaking to Captain Janeway. This was Kathryn; no less formidable, but perhaps just a little less restrained.

"I told you to leave me," he said.

"Oh please," Kathryn said, pacing along the bottom of his bed. "You didn't really expect me to abandon you. You knew I'd come back."

"You just said you nearly left me!" he said, still too startled and drowsy to keep up.

"Yes, _nearly_!" she said, stopping to bring her hands down on the footboard of his bed, gripping it so tightly that the blood fled from her knuckles. "Do you realise the danger you put the crew in today? You said it was your intention to keep them safe, but instead they ended up under fire from Kazon ships!"

Chakotay pushed off the bedcovers and stood up, frustration waking him up entirely. "I didn't ask you to put them in danger, that was your choice, not mine!"

"Choice?" she echoed with a hollow laugh, turning from him to pace again. "Choice? When are you going to realise, Commander, that when it comes to you, _choice_ is not a luxury I have?"

"Kathryn," he said, putting his hands on her arms to stop her. "Kathryn, look at me." She reluctantly did as he asked, her blue eyes shining, her body tense in his grasp. "I am truly sorry for the pain I've caused you. Going after Seska was… it was something I felt I needed to do."

"Well next time, I'd appreciate if you'd inform me before you go off on some ridiculous suicide mission," she said, the furious tears finally escaping down her cheeks.

"Aye, Captain." He was still holding her by the arms, but he felt her relax minutely at his words.

"In future," she said, "if something is so important to you that you're willing to risk your life, I'll be damned if I'm not there risking mine alongside you." Chakotay smiled and pulled her into an embrace, feeling her cheek warm against his shoulder, the smooth fabric of her nightdress cool against his chest. He felt her fingertips clinging to him, as if she was scared he might disappear again. The day had passed in a blur of anger and determination, as he walked head-on into danger, hellbent on revenge against the woman who had betrayed and humiliated him, but now that he was standing here with Kathryn in his arms, he knew that this was the only woman in the universe who truly mattered. He had let her down, he had almost died, almost lost the chance to have a life with her... His mind flashed with memories of the Kazons restraining him, beating him, drugging him, and he held the Captain even tighter against him.

"Kathryn," he said, his voice cracking. "Would you stay a while?"

* * *

They sat together on the end of the bed, each with a cup of tea, talking of nothing in particular, but it was all Chakotay needed to keep the memories of that day firmly beneath the surface. The conversation was easy, he even made her laugh once or twice, but he could see a sadness lurking behind her blue eyes, and it caused him great pain knowing that he was the one who put it there.

"I've been thinking…" Kathryn said, as she drained her cup and placed it on the end table, shifting herself to lie on the bed, her head resting on the headboard. "I don't think having a child aboard _Voyager_ would be a wise decision."

"If this is because of my actions today, I can promise you nothing like that will ever happen again," he said, feeling a rush of panic. Just how badly had he let her down? "Please, Kathryn, you can trust me."

"It's nothing like that," she said, placing a gentle hand on his arm and pulling him up to lie beside her on the bed. "I have every confidence you would make a wonderful father."

"Thank you," he said, feeling marginal relief that he hadn't entirely lost her respect after his escapade.

"I realise it's inevitable that some crew members will have children if this mission lasts for more than a few years, in fact it will be essential for us to have a new generation of crewmen eventually, but the risks that come with it…"

"Risks?"

"Think about it," she said. "When an enemy wants something from us, what do they do?"

"They threaten the most valuable thing we have," he said. "The Captain, the Warp Core, our food reserves."

"And if we have a nursery full of infants on board…"

"The first thing they'll target is the children," he said, solemnly. She nodded.

"I was willing to risk my ship and my crew to save you today, Chakotay. I can't even begin to imagine the things I would do to protect our child."

Chakotay pulled her against him and pressed his lips to her forehead. "Nor can I," he whispered.

"As Captain, my only job should be getting the _Voyager_ back to the Alpha Quadrant," she said, firmly. "To have a child would be selfish. The crew are my wards, they are under my protection and I will get them home."

"And I will be with you every step of the way," Chakotay said, observing her with more admiration and affection than he ever thought possible. He tucked a piece of loose hair behind her ear, his fingers caressing her cheek. He lifted her chin slightly and pressed a kiss to her lips which elicited an seemingly involuntary smile from the Captain.

"I really wish you wouldn't do that," she said.

"Do what?"

"Make me forgive you." She rested her head on his shoulder and let out a small sigh.

"Computer," she said, with an unmistakeable note of disappointment, "cancel Operation Crew Expansion."

"Operation Crew Expansion has been cancelled," replied the automated voice.

Chakotay shifted himself into a more comfortable position and put his arm around Kathryn. "Well we seem to be back where we started," he said, "staring into the unknown."

"I suppose so," she said with a little smile. "Somehow it doesn't seem quite so frightening anymore."

* * *

Chakotay fell asleep long before Kathryn. She hadn't even intended to stay the night, but she couldn't help staying there, watching his peaceful face, hearing his calm, rhythmic breathing, feeling his warm skin... she felt a curious sense of urgency, as if this was her last chance to take it all in, as if he might disappear. It took her almost an hour, lying there in Chakotay's arms, to realise why. She sat up, feeling a growing knot in her stomach. She couldn't tell if it was fear, or guilt, or disappointment, or a combination of all three. She eased herself off the bed as quietly as possible and left his room, slipped silently into her own quarters and waited for the morning.

* * *

The door to Chakotay's room opened as she approached.

"Captain," he said, smiling in greeting. "I was just about to come and see you."

"Can we talk?" she said.

"Of course," he replied, his expression changing promptly to one of curiosity and concern. "Is something wrong?" She waited for the door to close behind her, and found that she was struggling to make eye contact with her Commander.

"I've been thinking a lot about yesterday," she said. Chakotay sat down on the edge of his bed and let out a sigh.

"Let me guess," he said, dryly. "You want us to keep our relationship strictly professional." She stood for a moment in surprised silence before she replied.

"It's for the best."

"For who?" he asked, a note of anger creeping into his voice as he looked up at her. "Because it's not for the best for me."

"For -"

"Kathryn, I swear, if you tell me it's for the good of the crew -"

"It is!" she snapped. "Chakotay, I lay awake all night imagining what might have happened if the Kazons had boarded _Voyager,_ or destroyed us completely... I would have the blood of hundreds of men and women on my hands because I let my feelings for you interfere with my judgement. I have a duty to these people to get them home to their families."

"So you're just going to sacrifice everything you want?"

"I'm the Captain," she said. "It's my job to make sacrifices."

"Maybe when we're in the Alpha Quadrant on a mission that only lasts a few weeks, but we are going to be out here for the rest of our lives, Kathryn. Don't you understand that?"

"I understand that better than anyone, Commander." The last word sounded cold as it left her mouth, and Chakotay's jaw stiffened minutely.

"Well, _Captain,"_ he replied, standing up and watching her cooly, "it seems you've made your decision. I'll see you on the Bridge." He walked passed her towards the door, and she had to stop herself from reaching out and touching his arm.

"Chakotay," she said, all the strength gone from her voice.

"You know," he said, turning back around when he reached the door. "I have no doubt in my mind that you're going to get our crew home. I just wish you'd realise that you don't have to do it alone." The door slid shut behind him and Kathryn stood in the Commander's room for several long moments. The knowledge that she had done the right thing was little consolation when her chest physically ached, the image of Chakotay's pained eyes burned deep into her mind. But she had a job to do. The entire point of ending her relationship with Chakotay was so stop her personal feelings overlapping into her professional life, so she took one deep breath, cleared her mind of everything except the job at hand, and strode out onto the Bridge.

"Lieutenant Paris," she said, settling down in her chair beside the Commander. "Report."


	4. Alter Ego

Season 3, Episode 14: Alter Ego

* * *

 _Captain's Personal Log: This is the first time I've made an entry into my personal log on_ Voyager. _I made a habit of keeping a log while I was living on New Earth with Chakotay, more out of habit than anything else, but I have found that I rather enjoyed it. I've been back aboard my ship for several months, but I always seem to find my mind wandering back to that place._

 _In a way, I'm grateful for the months we were stranded on the planet, although in hindsight it seems I spent almost all of my time trying to leave again. At least it gave me a chance to repair my relationship with Chakotay which, while it had been nothing but professional on the Bridge, became somewhat frayed after our... well, I suppose you would call it a break-up. I feel like I've got my friend back, but I still can't quite shake the feeling that there are some unanswered questions hanging over us like a cloud, threatening rain that never seems to fall._

 _In other news, Neelix's holodeck resort program has proved very popular with the crew, in fact, I'll be attending a luau there this evening. A luau in the Delta Quadrant... now there's something I never expected to be doing._

* * *

Kathryn Janeway passed the evening in a flurry of fruity drinks, dancing, and laughter. She couldn't remember the last time the crew had been on such good form. She spent most of the time with Chakotay by her side, and she felt a warmth within her every time she caught him smiling at her, or every time he asked her to dance, his arm wrapping around her waist, like a missing puzzle piece.

She didn't realise how long they had been there until she turned around in her barstool to see that almost everyone had gone. One of the quirks of Neelix's programme was that the sunset lasted around four hours, for maximum aesthetic effect, but it also meant that she lost all sense of time.

"Come on," Chakotay said, stepping off of his own stool and holding out a hand to her.

"Where are we going?" she asked, draining her fourth Piña Colada and taking his hand.

"Just come on."

Chakotay led her down to the water where several benches lined the beach, giving a spectacular view of the sea and the sky. They picked a bench, and Kathryn sat sideways so that she could stretch her legs across Chakotay's lap. His hand rested on her leg, just below the hem of her black floral dress. The orange sun lay fat and low in the sky, painting dazzling streaks of red and purple across the horizon.

"We should do this more often," she said, with a contented sigh.

"Watch the sunset?"

"Just... take some time off," she said. "I don't remember the last time I felt so calm."

"I do," he said, turning to look at her. "It was when we were on New Earth. Once I'd accepted we were stuck there forever I really began to enjoy it."

"So did I," she smiled. "Although admittedly it took me a little longer to accept our fate."

"A _lot_ longer," he corrected. She gave a soft laugh. A few moments' silence passed as they both thought back over their stay on New Earth, away from their duties, away from the complications and the regulations that had always seemed to keep them apart...

"We really could have had something there," he said. "We came so close, Kathryn."

"I know. But that kind of relationship... we've been there before, Chakotay, and it doesn't mix well with our duties as commanding officers on this ship."

"What if we didn't have to mix them?" he said.

"What do you mean?"

"Our working relationship and our personal one," he said. "What if we just keep them separate? Do you remember how quickly we returned to normal after we came back from New Earth? It was like it had never happened."

"I remember," she said. "But that was different. That was a question of survival."

"I don't follow."

"This ship is my life," she said. "The crew, the mission, it's my responsibility and my privilege."

"I know that."

"But when we were on New Earth, especially near the end..." she took a breath. "Chakotay, I didn't want to come back." He didn't say anything but his eyebrows raised minutely in surprise. "I would have stayed there with you if I'd had the choice."

"So would I," he said.

"That's why we returned to being Captain and Commander so quickly," she admitted. "I had to distance myself from that life as quickly as possible, forget it had even existed, forget the feelings I had for you, because if I didn't..." she rested her head on the back of the bench and looked out at the water. "I think it might have torn me apart."

She felt his fingers stroke her leg soothingly. "I know," he said. "I'm glad to be back on _Voyager,_ but it still feels like we lost something that day." She smiled sadly, and wrapped her hand around his, their fingers intertwining automatically, like magnets.

"Computer," she said. There was a short noise of response. "Distant thunderstorm." The sun had all but vanished below the horizon as the dark clouds rolled over the water.

"A thunderstorm?" Chakotay enquired.

"I just love them, don't you?" She sat up a little to watch the crackling, growling clouds come alive. "They're such a mixture of exhilarating and calming... the deep rumble in the distance, the soothing sound of the rain on the water, and then the crack of lightning to remind you of the power nature possesses." Chakotay smiled and gave a hum of agreement.

"You're right," he said. "There's something captivating about it. How something can be so beautiful and yet so strong... enchanting but also has the power to destroy you." Kathryn smiled as she looked around at Chakotay who wasn't watching the storm at all, but had his gaze fixed on her.

"I get the feeling you're not talking about the weather anymore," she said.

"No, I'm not," he said, smirking.

"Computer," she said again. "How many people are using this holoprogram?"

"There are two crew members on this holodeck," the female voice replied. "There are 17 active holo-characters."

"Delete all holo-characters," she said, the words falling from her mouth before she had a chance to think. "And notify me if anyone comes in." The computer beeped in acknowledgement.

"We appear to be alone," Chakotay said, watching her with deep interest, his eyes on hers for a long moment before his gaze flickered down to her lips. She found herself moving closer to him, until they were only inches apart. His hand caressed her cheek and she felt her eyes close against his familiar touch.

"What are we doing?" she whispered. "Chakotay, I -" She was cut short by his lips on hers, her mind suddenly empty except for thoughts of him.

"What do you want, Kathryn?" he asked, his forehead resting on hers, his breath on her lips. In the distance, the thunder began to grow. "What do _you_ want?" There was only one answer, and a million reasons not to say it. There was a flash of white, electric light overhead as the heavens opened and the rain began to pour. The thunder cracked deafeningly across the sky as she finally gave in.

"You."


End file.
